(Narrator) previously on spin city.
I can't tell you how much fun I'm having on this trip.
I can't tell you how much fun it's been having you here.
Hi!
Mom!
I said freeze!
(People scream)
I heard some poor guy standing near the Candy machines got hit.
When I bite into a York peppermint Patty,
I get shot.
O.k., people, here is our problem.
The mayor was caught handing money to a known prostitute.
You lost me my job.
My lawyer says I have an open-and-shut case.
See you in court, Sonny.
You cannot believe what I've been through.
I just spent the whole night scouring the city searching for the mayor.
Hey, is that breakfast?
There he is.
Good morning, people. Good morning.
I am sure we are all focused on the same problem,
so let's get down to it.
Mr. Fluffy...
The children's zoo mascot, has recovered from mange...
And is now available for petting.
However, until he's completely out of the Woods, there is a 2-stroke maximum.
Mr. Scruffy's speedy recovery notwithstanding--
it's mr. Fluffy, Carter.
I've seen him, Mike. His Fluffy days are way behind him.
Don't we still have that tiny problem of the photo of the mayor with the prostitute?
No. I found the mayor. He was not with a prostitute last night,
so our strategy in dealing with this is straight denial.
What if somebody asks me about this?
Tell 'em you don't know anything. But I don't.
Very good.
Hope you all learned from James.
Learned what?
Will you stop showing off? Come on.
What about the picture, Mike?
A simple misunderstanding, media distortion, uh...
Tabloid sensationalism.
I don't know. I saw the mayor this morning.
He didn't look like a man that had spent the night alone.
I'm happy to report he is alone... and unloved.
Let's move on to something a little lighter.
Hey, Paul. How's your head wound?
Hank's still suing you, Paul?
Yes. But...
The last thing I need is publicity about one city hall employee suing another.
Here's the thing.
I have already applied
and been accepted on...
Ed koch's the people's court , taping this afternoon.
Please tell me if you lose, you go to jail.
Here it is, my family's recipe
for the best sweet potato pie in the world. Mmm.
Guard it with your life.
This is a xeroxed page from the Joy of cooking.
That book's been in our family for years.
I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving.
I love the whole thing. A little snow on the ground,
a little touch football game before dinner.
Get to sit at the kiddie table.
You still sit at the kiddie table?
Big fish, small pond.
Thanksgiving at my house is nothing but a bunch of fat, overstuffed drunks
sitting in front of a tv turned up so loud they can't hear each other.
Oh, and me in the bedroom rifling through their jackets.
So, that's 5 days and 4 nights at the bahama Hilton?
Uh, is the continental breakfast included in that?
Excellent. Thank you.
Your family's going to the Bahamas for Thanksgiving?
I hope not. That's where I'm gonna be.
You're not gonna spend Thanksgiving with your parents?
The only mama I wanna see is the bahama mama.
What is this, some kind of fruity club med?
Actually, it's a... very secluded part of the Island.
Nothing but palm trees, warm sand,
me, 3 books, and my towel.
Mmm.
I have a towel.
I could get a book.
Oh, no. No, no.
# Day-o, da-ay-o # no.
Oh, no. # Daylight come and me wanna go home #
you're all singing, but you're not going.
# Hey, mister tallyman... #
you think you're traveling with me on my vacation,
but that ain't happening, so you can stop singing...
I'm sure you're feeling, um, uncomfortable.
(Scoffs) sir, with all due respect,
sitting on a red-hot poker is uncomfortable.
This is excruciating.
Maybe we should just put it on the back burner for a while.
I was kinda hoping you could explain that picture.
Well, I--I was asking for change.
How was I supposed to know she was a prostitute?
Sir, what does she look like to you?
She reminds me of that woman that Stuart brought to the governor's ball.
Oh.
Well, thank goodness we can explain this whole situation.
I think I can handle this without bringing my mother into it.
I--I was, uh...
Wanting to save subjecting her sex life
to the scrutiny of the new York press for her Christmas visit.
Oh, she's coming for Christmas.
Uh--sir, if you don't mind, my mother's in there,
and I was hoping we'd have a little mother-son bonding.
Can I at least say hi?
I think you've had your quality time.
Hey, ma. Oh, Mike,
honey, I am so unbelievably sorry.
Just a minute.
(Knock on door)
still bonding, sir.
Mayor: I'm sorry, Mike.
Good morning... Mommy.
Ah, it's fake happy Mike.
- You're angry. - Mom.
I can't believe what an awkward position I've put you in.
Believe me, I never planned for this to happen.
I know. I made your schedule.
This was not on it.
Stacey... I've been looking High and low for you.
Well, maybe you should try getting outta your chair.
It'll increase your odds.
No, Stacey, Stacey, I need you to testify for me at the people's court.
(Scoffs) listen, van gogh,
I can't possibly take off work.
I'm sorry. It's a definite "no".
All right, I'll go on tv myself. Fine.
National tv?
- Yeah. - Millions of cute guys watching?
- Uh-huh. - All right, I'll do it.
Here. I want you to look at these books, o. k.?
I've highlighted some cases that are similar to mine,
and made notes on questions that they're likely to ask.
You know what you do? Call up the law library,
see if they can dig up some legal precedence that we can cite.
I'm on it, Paulie.
Yeah, ma? I'm gonna be on tv.
Yeah, no, I don't know, some stupid thing.
We just got together to talk like old friends.
Next thing you know, we wind up in my hotel room!
If this conversation goes any further,
I may be forced to go on a tri-state killing spree.
Oh, I don't blame you.
You're embarrassed.
Nah, look, it's all right.
Growing up together, we had embarrassing moments all the time.
We did not.
When I lost my virginity?
You walked in...
Mid-lose.
That was an honest mistake.
Mom, you stayed and talked.
She seemed a bit confused.
So, you swear I didn't cause you any big problems here at work?
Here's the morning papers with a big picture...
I read those, uh... Yesterday.
Thank you.
Mom, you did not cause me any problems. O.k.?
There is no reason that you should feel bad about any of this.
Just know, the last thing I thought would happen on my visit
is that I'd wind up sleeping with the mayor of new York city.
Did we forget to knock?
I know, I know. They all have different last names.
No, they are not my family. They're just...
Friends.
I know, I know, bad idea.
Stuart, I don't feel well. Knowing about Mike's mom and the mayor is killing me.
James, secrets are power.
You get something good like this, sit on it.
Right now, you leak it, it's just office gossip
that makes everyone uncomfortable.
But in 20 years, when Mike's running for president,
this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden.
What do I get?
Topless postcard from Sweden.
We just... connected. You know?
The mayor is really an amazing man.
He's smart, he's funny, he's sweet.
If you thought about it, you'd see...
I guess it's kind of uncomfortable talking to your mother about sex.
Oh, no, mom. I've been looking forward to this day.
Before I give them the last digit of my card number
to confirm this ill-conceived and nonrefundable mistake of a vacation,
are you all sure?
(Chanting) Bahamas! Bahamas! Bahamas! Bahamas!
I'll book it if you promise never to chant "Bahamas" again.
(Whispering) o. k., o. k., o. k., o. k.
(Whispering) stop!
8.
Huh. All right, thank you.
It's done.
Hey! Whoo-hoo!
Block of rooms, garden view.
Wait a second. Garden view?
That's the opposite of ocean view.
"Hey, foxy Lady, you wanna come back to my garden view room?"
I asked for the garden.
The noise from the ocean keeps me up at night.
So would the noise from my foxy Lady, if...
I had an ocean view room.
Stacey, any chance the national media's picked up on the story with the mayor?
Ma, I gotta go. The mayor pulled an "uncle Louie" last night.
Um, nothing national, but did you see the headline in the post?
"His honor was on her."
Very clever.
Jason's really killing us. Sorry, Mike.
It's under control. I got Jason coming over here right now.
Jason's coming up here?
Damn, I hate this tie.
Hey, Mike. Carter.
Oh, great tie. (Whispers) yes!
Listen, Jason, about this story in the morning paper...
I thought it was great.
You didn't think it was too wordy?
Why are you so hard on yourself? You're so talented...
Fellas?
Please.
O.k., here's the deal.
I have an explanation for this picture,
and I'm gonna back it up as soon as this hooker comes in here
and tells you she was not with the mayor last night.
- Having the police pick her up right now. - On what charge?
I don't know. Let's hope she does something illegal
while she's trying to get people to pay her to have sex.
Don't bother, Mike. I already talked to her.
And she's writing a book detailing her 5-year relationship with the mayor.
- Sorry, Buddy. - No. Uh, Jason, wait.
Carter, uh-- do something.
So, we still on for tonight?
She's lying, Jason!
How could you possibly know that? Do you have some kind of alibi?
No. No, I don't.
Mike's mom is the perfect alibi. Should I go remind him?
Only if you're bucking for a promotion.
Wait a minute.
So close!
Hey.
Stuart. I'm sure you have an impressive array
of "your mom slept with the mayor" jokes.
The punch line to every one of them is "Mike, let go of my neck."
I'm not here to make jokes.
There'll be... Plenty of time for that later.
So, how do these little heart-to-hearts work?
First, you gotta get yourself a heart.
I think I know what you're feeling, Mike.
After my parents got divorced,
uh, my mom would bring guys home...
Fool around with them.
Really bugged me.
That's because you lived in a studio apartment.
It's amazing I came away with such a healthy attitude toward the chicks.
I just wish I had a sister for you.
Look, that's not my problem, stu.
I just love my mom too much to throw her into this mess.
Well, you know, Mike,
there comes a time...
When you gotta let people...
Make their own decisions and make their own mistakes,
and you have to trust that your mom is gonna find her way.
That's beautiful, Stuart.
Thank you.
James wrote that, didn't he?
Yeah, but it was my idea.
Sure it wasn't Nikki's idea?
Hey, I'm in here, all right?
# (Theme from the people's court)
(announcer) this sweet old man is the plaintiff, Hank dorsett.
(People in courtroom) aw!
He claims he was wrongfully terminated
because of the actions of the defendant.
He's suing for $2,500
to help him get by until his social security kicks in.
Meet the defendant, Paul lassiter.
Boo.
He says he was minding his own business
at a city hall Candy machine
when the plaintiff grazed him with a bullet.
He stands accused of costing Hank his job
by filing a complaint over a routine and unavoidable workplace injury.
All rise. The people's court is now in session.
The honorable Edward I. Koch is now presiding.
Be seated and come to order. Good day. Good day.
I've taken a look at the case, and it appears to be clear
what the problem is, so Hank,
why don't you tell us your side of the story?
Well, I was hoping that my lawyer would be here to help me.
# (Theme resumes)
(announcer) this is Alan dershowitz.
He's doing this as a favor for Hank
who saved mr. Dershowitz's father's life during the war.
I'm sorry I'm late, ed.
No problem, Alan.
Your honor, I object!
He has a lawyer!
He has Alan dershowitz!
O.k., vacation buddies. I've done it, and I think
I managed to accommodate everyone.
(Sighs) one garden view room,
one pool view room, one ocean view room.
Group meals.
Vegetarian, meat and potatoes.
Kosher. I like the way it tastes!
And we're sitting...
In whatever section has the hottest waitress.
Carter, I'm very impressed.
(All chattering)
o. k., Stuart, you and James have a room.
Janelle, you and Nikki have a room.
And I have my own room. See you on the beach.
Wait a minute, "mr. I have my own room and then turn and walk away."
Come on, guys. This is gonna be great.
Let's, uh-- try to keep it together.
"Together." interesting choice of words from someone who's rooming alone.
Fine. James, you can take the single room.
Stuart and I will room together.
So now the little plan comes into focus.
Why doesn't one of us get the single? That sounds fair.
Fine. Janelle, you can have the single room.
- When I said "one of us", I meant "one of me"! - Oh, I have had it!
Why wouldn't you say anything?
Didn't you realize that, sooner or later,
I was gonna find out about the prostitute story?
I tried to keep her busy, Mike.
I was just trying to protect you, mom.
I can't tell you how much it hurts me
to realize that you don't think I can handle this.
You don't think I can fend for myself.
No, I just--I just... I love you, mom.
He really does. He says so all the time.
Sir, if you don't mind, I'd really be more comfortable
if you just stayed out of this part.
No problem.
Honey, you've been very protective of me since your father and I split up,
and I am very grateful for that.
You've got to recognize how strong I am.
So let me-- let me fix this for you.
Whew...
O.k.
(Clears throat) I can do that.
Promise me one thing. O.k.?
Name it.
Promise me that you'll never, ever...
Have sex with anyone...
For as long as you live.
It's a deal.
Mayor: Aw.
Your honor, before we go any further,
I want to say one thing.
I'm being sued...
For getting shot in the head!
And?
Maybe I could shed some light on this.
Yeah, that's right. She was there.
She saw the whole thing. Tell him, stace.
Hi. I'm Stacey paterno.
23.
On the morning in question, I was single,
as I am now.
I arrived at city hall
where I am making good money.
I believe I was wearing a tasteful outfit,
showing off my nice figure.
And I plan on keeping it even after I'm married.
Thank you for your testimony, ms. Paterno.
Yeah, thanks for your help, stace.
Your honor, please,
I have a written statement from the doctor.
I have the results from the ballistics test.
I've lost 30% of the hearing in my right ear.
Ed, I don't have a list of those exhibits. Motion to suppress!
Granted!
He shot me in the head!
I've spoken to the resort.
I've spoken to my travel agent. I've spoken to my priest.
This cannot be worked out. I've canceled the vacation!
Good. Give me my money back.
I told you this was nonrefundable. I rarely listen to you.
This is nonrefundable.
Well then, I'll just take a check.
And so, as much as you'd all like to believe
that the mayor was with a prostitute,
he was actually with me.
Are you saying that you slept with the mayor, mrs. Flaherty?
(Scoffs) wh-who said that?
It was that guy in the back, mom.
- Do you have a mother? - Yes.
- Do you have a cell phone? - Yes.
Well, I suggest you use your cell phone and call your mother
and ask her how she'd feel if someone asked her that question.
I love her fire, Mike.
Not now, sir.
Here comes the plaintiff now.
Congratulations, Hank. We were all rooting for you.
How does it feel to be the first plaintiff
to be awarded more than he was asking for?
Oh, I was surprised. I really didn't think
I had as strong a case as the judge told me I did.
The court officer's got documents for you to sign.
- And here comes the loser. - No questions.
You signed a contract saying you would answer anything--
so Sue me!
Watch out for Billy, the cameraman.
Your camera o. k., Billy?
What do you think is gonna happen between you and the mayor?
Oh, I don't know. Randall's very dear. You know?
But we live on opposite coasts, and we're both very busy.
He's not as busy as you think.
He's very sweet, you know. It's nice to meet a man
who is not put off by a successful woman.
You had to go straight to the mayor of new York?
And you know, you don't have to talk to the mayor.
I will talk to him tomorrow.
Nah, better let me handle it.
Honey, honey, you don't have to protect me anymore.
No, I'm protecting him.
He likes it.
Carter?
What's this?
What? I'm swallowing my pride
and going home to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
No. You're still going to the Bahamas.
No!
Now, haven't you people done enough?
We're sorry. Have a good time with your family.
Thank you.
(Gasps)
yes, I traded in your rooms for a deluxe suite for myself! So Sue me!
- Suite? That's 2 bedrooms! - Pull-out coach!
We can still make it. Let's meet at the airport.
(Chanting) Bahamas, Bahamas, Bahamas...
Man: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(Barking)
moo.